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August 24, 2005
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the whistle blows,
a mad dash to line up.
standing in postion,
four whistles sound,
drums start their cadences.
as we head up to the stadium.
up ahead the teams are running to the field,
the games starts.
paying no attention,
sitting, waiting for the clock.
three minutes till half time,
as we make our way down the track.
getting ready.
the buzzer sounds,
the field is filling up with our opposition.
they play their numbers,
silently hyping up.
the field is ours,
time to play.
the crowd cheers as we enter.
the light pouring down on us,
creating an illusion of daylight.
when we finish,
the crowd is roaring.
the rush is unexplainable.
whether the team wins or loses,
the game is already won...
i was talking to my sister about how it feels to play during half-time at a football game.. as i told her, it felt as if i was reciting a poem.. so i wrote it.. granted this is a slightly different version.. lol
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:iconsunshinelightbright:
SunshineLightBright Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2007
I walked through this well written painting and enjoyed every deep and powerful word. Your words really caught my eye. I was able to get the real feeling of what was being painted. Nice job and very well written. This Is wonderful work.:+fav::clap:
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:icontm24fan:
tm24fan Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2006  Hobbyist Photographer
Very well written, it makes me almost LIKE the thought of going back to band here in about a half hour. I LOVE BAND!!! I love football too, but since I don't play that anymore, I LOVE BAND!!!
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:iconlostsoul1989:
lostsoul1989 Featured By Owner Aug 15, 2006   Writer
thanku very much. haha yea.. i gotta fix it tho.. thanks for the fav! guess u'll have to do it again.. lmao cuz im gonna re submit it when i fix it and get a pict for it.. lmao.. yesh yesh.. i lvoe band too!!!!!
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:icondeadinside28713:
deadinside28713 Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2005
its awesome
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:iconlostsoul1989:
lostsoul1989 Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2005   Writer
why thankyou so much! :hug:
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:icondeadinside28713:
deadinside28713 Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2005
:hug: your so welcome
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:iconlostsoul1989:
lostsoul1989 Featured By Owner Aug 27, 2005   Writer
:hug:
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:iconamberwind:
amberwind Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005  Hobbyist Digital Artist
4 years of Marching Band suddenly came rushing back to me with a vengeance. Where's my flute? *goes off in search of instrument while grumbling*

Honestly, I really like the imagery you use, but the vagueness of the poem is a little offputting to me. The first time I read it, I thought you were on the team, the second, a cheerleader, the third in colorguard, and the fourth in band. I'm still not quite sure whether it's the third or fourth one. The piece could use just a tad more refinement in the language, to give a hint of which viewpoint we're actually looking from here. Also, and this is more of a personal preference, I would put line breaks in between stanzas. I see three stanzas in there, Commencement (ending with the line the games starts.), Anticipation (ending with the line silently hyping up.), and Conclusion. Putting a line break in the form of an extra space between the lines would make the piece flow a little better, and make it a little easier to read.
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:iconlostsoul1989:
lostsoul1989 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2005   Writer
thanks for the comment.. i love band so much.. so its the fourth one, lol.. *hugs clarinet*

i'll work on that, again thankyou very much!
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:iconamberwind:
amberwind Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2005  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Go woodwinds! I'm a flute player. :D

And my husband is a stupid trumpet player. Them uppity brass instruments need to get what's coming to them.
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:iconlostsoul1989:
lostsoul1989 Featured By Owner Aug 25, 2005   Writer
haha.. yes they do!! lol, my sister is a trumpet player, as well as one of my best friends.. our director spoils them WAY too much.. lol
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:iconreed682:
reed682 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005  Professional Digital Artist
The ending is so perfect for this. So often in my own poetry I find myself going off on tangents, I'm glad you stayed on target. It was interesting how what was happening outside and what was happening inside took turns in you "narrative". I like how you hinted to the fact that there was more than one game. There was the foot ball, but that wasn't what was important, the battle was at half time.

I am glad you didn't reuse your words. Take the lines "as we head up to the stadium." and "up ahead the teams are running to the field," you could have used the same word, I'm glad you didn't. It's something I have found really improves what ever I am writing, I try to never reuse the same word twice. There are some words you can't help but reuse, but in the English language, there are some many options that you really can be fresh with each sentence if you just take a little time. The Thesaurus is my friend. :D

A few grammar suggestions:

1) think about capitalizing your work. Usually I capitalize every new line when I write poetry, even when the previous one ended with a comma (don't know if that's right, but it looks nice).
2) "silently hyping up." "the field is ours," Seems to jump for me. Would it break the mood/beat if you were to add a segway (fancy term for device that moves us from one scene to another) like, say "But soon/now/in no time the field is..." or "Their turn quickly is over, at last the field is ours".
3) This is purely aesthetic, but what about Italics for the text. Most poetry I see is done in Italics and it really gives it a nice look. If you want to here are the tags < i> Your text< /i> (make sure you take out the spaces between the < and the i, ok?).

Well, I think I have said quite enough. Again, I think this is wonderful, and you should be proud of it. Well done.
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:iconlostsoul1989:
lostsoul1989 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005   Writer
what a long comment.. lol but it was very helpful. thankyou.

as for the capitalizing.. i didn't do this one in word like usual and i had to type it quick so i didn't worry bout it..

and i like ur ideas with the segway.. i will look over it and edit it accordingly.

again thankyou very much for ur wonderful comments!! :hug:
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:iconreed682:
reed682 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005  Professional Digital Artist
You are very welcome. I do hope i wasn't too long winded.
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:iconlostsoul1989:
lostsoul1989 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005   Writer
no.. lol... it was longer than normal.. lol.. but it was very helpful, so again, thankyou :D
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:iconreed682:
reed682 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005  Professional Digital Artist
Good.
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:icontidlz:
Tidlz Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH,, its a game,,, :D,,, all true 2,,, sweet,, HI LISA,, im home sick,, WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT, im on msn 2,, and u not,,, oh well,, WOOOT nice poem,, lol,, BIBIBIBIBI
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:icontidlz:
Tidlz Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005
hi
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:iconlostsoul1989:
lostsoul1989 Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2005   Writer
hey.. me glad u like it.. too bad ur sick.. me on msn.. but u not answering.... thanks again :D haha u just answered!! :D lol
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